April 13 2025

re: Where do you See Yourself in Five Years?

Today, I got really stressed about my future, and how everything seems like it's going to shit. Yup, it's that time of the year again. The existential rabbit hole that is The Future is back and as dreadful as ever. Without even thinking about the sociopolitical hellscape of America right now, I have fully convinced myself that I'm going to get fired from my job. Maybe I feel like I don't do anything, or that my coworkers hate me, but everyday I just feel so on edge like they're about to whack me! And that honestly might be the least of my worries. I have convinced myself that I don't really like my manager, and everytime he speaks I have to do mindfulness and breathing exercises to stop myself from fully crashing out. And the worst part is, I spend all my free time dawdling around on social media that I feel like I'm voluntarily trapping myself in this position!

That, combined with the fact that the economy seems to be fucked and all these other large societal level problems are freaking terrible bad really makes my itty bitty little brain go wonky. And typically, I just live in this state of paralysis, all wonked out with no real path forward, out, or in. Just here and now. And there's some beauty in that, ignoring everything except the present. Hints of Buddhism I think. But I am no monk! I worry incessantly, and I want to do something about all of this! I don't need to feel so crappy during these times. So, I did the impossible. The unimaginable. I am Tom Cruise and this is my Mission Impossible: I wrote out a plan for the future. I've never really been one to write out plans. I just go by v*bes most of the time. And it's got me to where I am now! Honestly I think it worked pretty good for most of my life, but recently, ever since I became an Adult, it's felt like I'm trudging through murky waters reaching some destination of some kind. I'm not really sure what this destination is, or if I even want to go there, but what I do know is that every step in these waters is not bringing me peace that I desire. I'm having all these aforementioned feelings. So you know what, maybe I should open my eyes a little bit, try to look through the fog a bit! Just like big ol Chief in 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' by Ken Kesey. Great book by the way. This plan I wrote out is the first step to opening my eyes And let me tell ya. Having a plan feels AMAZING. Knowing what I'm trying to get to or where I'm going feels so incredibly great. Instead of doing things for some nebulous reason of 'it will help me in the future' or 'this is important', I can make actionable steps to that which I truly desire! What a concept! Now, I don't think I'm planning pilled to the point where every move I make will be planned out. But these broad strokes feel so incredible because now I have a path to walk through. I have the guidance of grace! I'm just throwing in every random reference now. With these new revelations, I hope I can do something with it. Actually scratch that, doing something is the easy part; I hope I can stick to my revelations! I realize that right now is a crucial moment in my life. I have all the freedom and opportunity in the world, and I need to apply it in just the right way. I need to exercise my American Dream to its fullest. I believe I have lots of fear about fully applying myself and pushing myself there, but I trust that with something as important as this, I will refuse the Old Patterns. Only time will tell! And I am oh so excited for time to pass. - Nick Previous Home Next